Marculations

The McDonald’s Arch Card. The Subway Cash Card. The Wal-Mart “Reloadable Shopping Card.” What do these things have in common? They’re all a part of a fast-catching new trend among corporations — walled gardens of money.

It seems an impossible feat for a company. How can they get the consumer to spend their money, before they actually purchase anything? And beyond that, how can they guarantee a certain amount of money will be spent there?

It all started with the death of the gift certificate.

Does everybody remember when gift certificates were actual pieces of paper, with an amount scribbled on them, possibly signed by a manager where they were purchased? I do. I even remember receiving some, in fancy envelopes. They actually felt like gifts. Those days are long over. What killed them? “Gift cards.” Yes, gift cards. Small, thin pieces of plastic, whose anonymous value we’ve all over-estimated. Why the switch? Well, you have to ask yourself, “why does a corporation do anything?” The answer is cost savings. The gift certificate is dead. Long live the gift card.

Once the gift card was an established member of society, the next step was simple. Reload-able gift cards. Once you’ve discovered the convenience of swiping a card to pay for a purchase, why wouldn’t you want that fun to keep on going? When your gift card runs out of money, you can simply add more money to it, and keep using it. Essentially, you can give yourself a gift.

That’s great, Wal-Mart, and JCPenny, and Sears, and whoever else rode this initial wave. I’ve got another reloadable card I carry with me. It’s called a credit card. Or maybe you’ve heard of this one? A debit card. Or an ATM card. All of which provide far more fraud protection. How much fraud protection do you get with a “gift card”? To answer that question, just flip one over, and read the fine print. “TREAT THIS CARD LIKE CASH.” Well, then. Tell me. Why would I actually take money out of my credit card, and put it into my reloadable cash card, where it can promptly be stolen, with no legal recourse?

The answer for the corporation is very easy. For you and me, it’s a little trickier. There’s no reason for us to do it. That’s where the marketing comes in. Wal-Mart was the first to come up with an idea that actually had me stop and think: using the shopping card to budget yourself. At the beginning of the month, you put a few hundred bucks into your cash card. Then, as the month wears on, you use that, not your credit card, to buy your groceries. From Wal-Mart.

I have another system I use to do my budgeting, though. It’s called self control. And it lets me shop at a slightly larger variety of retailers.

There’s always a fringe case, and this issue is no exception. I do see the value of these cards if you have kids. You can put fifty bucks on a McDonald’s card, or, if you want them to live a more robust life, a Subway card. They can go hog wild eating out after school, without having to carry cash around that they could “misappropriate,” or be liberated of. But as far as the majority of Los Angelinos are concerned, I think we can manage to spend our money where we’d like to, without fear of accidentally spending it on something else. We’re not children. We might still get mugged, sure. But remember what happens if someone takes your McDonald’s card? Right. They go eat at McDonald’s with it. “TREAT THIS CARD LIKE CASH.”

While they may seem like a silly idea, reloadable cash cards are becoming more widespread every day, and in some cases, they’re becoming mandatory. I found myself baffled the other day at Lucy’s Laundromat on Sunset, when my roll of quarters and I realized that we had to load a cash card with a few bucks to operate any of the washers. When did that happen?

As much as I can, though, I’m going to be fighting against these souped-up gift cards. The last time I checked, I could get cash safely near a magnet. Gift cards, you’ve got a long way to go.

I can’t stop eating Goldfish.

Please, someone help me stop eating Goldfish.

You know the ones I’m talking about — the little golden baked snack crackers. They come in a few sizes at the store. You can get tiny bags of them, that can fold up in your pocket. You can get medium sized bags of them, which are great for sharing. And of course, you can get massive, two-pound cartons of them. Cartons that have a goddamned pour spout on them.

At what point did the United States reach the point where we need a fucking pour spout on our cartons of crackers? Do we, as a society, need to not only ingest THAT MANY CRACKERS without going back to the store for more, but we need to eat them so fast that they must be POURED INTO US VIA A SPOUT?

I don’t run on crackers. My body doesn’t need crackers to lubricate its’ inner workings. There’s no danger of crackers not filling my mouth fast enough. What’s up with the spout, guys? I know I can use the spout to pour crackers into everybody’s hands, sure. That’s fabulous. But come on. We can all have our own little bag. We don’t need the pour spout, so that we can take it to the feed trough and fill it up.

Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I need to find my center.

If you need me, I’ll be the one in the bathroom, puking Goldfish into the bathtub.

Guidelines for Obtaining Donations

To all Associates and Supervisors:

As you are probably aware, this summer we will once again be conducting our charity fundraising drive, with all proceeds benefitting the Children’s Hospital. This is a cause that is very important to our company, and not only as a tax write-off — it is also an important public service.

Every associate will be expected to paricipate in the sale of $1 “Shining Stars”, a small gold star that the customer can write his or her name on. We will be posting these stars throughout the store as we receive them. (A customer wishing to fill out a star for each member of his or her family individually will need to purchase an additional $1 star per person. They also have the option of putting their entire family on one star.)

A target goal of 25 stars per associate on register, per day, will be mandatory. If you fail to meet this goal, you will receive a formal Write-Up. Continue non-compliance and/or non-participation may result in your termination, so please remember to sell, sell, sell!

Here are some tips for maximizing your collected donations:

1) Ring the customers merchandise up as normal.

2) After you have scanned the last item, but before you press the “Total” button, indicate to the display on the front of your register and ask the customer, “Would you be interested in making a one dollar donation to our charity fundraising drive, benefitting the Children’s Hospital?” If the customer requests their current total, inform them of what the total WOULD be, if they make the donation.

3) If the customer declines, reiterate the name of the charity, and point out that it is of great benefit to the needy and/or homeless children of the city.

4) Upon further refusal, firmly inform the customer that it is merely one dollar added on to their total, and that it is not taxable. You may also mention that if they keep their receipt, they can deduct the donation from their taxes.

5) Although rare, the customer may continue to refuse to donate. Kindly indicate one or two small purchases they might be making, if possible, and let them know that they could probably do without those, if it is about money. If the customer has a weight problem, and their purchase includes any candy, snack foods or non-diet sodas, point out that they could probably do without those, and instead donate the money to the Hospital instead.

6) At this point, the customer will most likely relent and allow the donation. If they do not, instead of pressing the Total button on your register, press the TND (Total ‘No Donation’) button. This will allow the register to insert the donation as an inflated CRV (California Refund Value) tax, scattered across multiple items, so that the customer does not become suspicious.

Please note: If the customer attempts to leave the store at any point, please inform Security immediately.

Thanks everybody, and let’s make this a year to remember! The kids are counting on us!

The Management

I’m not a good writer.

At least, that’s what I’ve been told. Just now.

Apparently, my writing lacks voice. It lacks style. It lacks a certain “something.” I know it’s not really in good taste to criticize a criticism, but these little digs really get to me sometimes. It doesn’t matter who is saying it, or how they say it; it’s just that once in a while, I take a comment very personally.

I feel like my writing definitely has a “voice.” The person who made this particular criticism disagreed, and said I should write “like I talk”, because that’s how you “make it good.” Although I don’t know what that means, exactly, every idea deserves a fair shake. I should really give it a shot.

Let’s do it.

Ahem.

Sup? Man I was online earlier and this girl gets online, right? I barely even know her, I met her at work, and she’s like, she saw this post I made on a forum where I posted one of my blog entries, and she replied to it with some shit like, she said OH MY GOD THAT IS SO SHITTY or something, and so I messaged her like, what? Why is it so shitty? It’s not shitty! And she is like, oh god, she’s like I CAN WRITE ABOUT CAKE BATTER BETTER THAN YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING. So I got pissed right? I took it personally, so I like, I went and found some other thing I had written, just some fluff about being in line at Carl’s Jr., and I sent her that, and she has the NERVE to be like, you really need to pick better topics to write about, you suck so bad. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?! WHO SAYS THAT TO PEOPLE?!? I GOT SO PISSED OFF! I ended up like, blocking her or some shit, seriously I was so pissed off like, argh. Damnit.

…

Oh my god, she’s right.

I’ve inexplicably started working on a television series.

I think it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately, and I keep thinking, I could do this. I could do it better. Shows like “The War At Home”, for instance. Who’s watching that? Does it appeal to anybody? It’s mindless humor, I guess. It’s formulaic. Television audiences typically don’t respond well to things that make you think. Shows like “The Office” appeal to a different demographic than shows like “Desperate Housewives”.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with that.

Basically, I’m writing a television series.

It’s based off of some people I know, only more fictionalized. I’m taking elements of my life, and fusing them with elements of other people’s lives. You might call it stealing. I call it adapting. Or retelling. Or revamping. Anything that’ll get me off the hook.

Some people know that I was working on another television series, called Addict. It was adapted from a short script that I had written. Unfortunately, the idea never got off of the launch pad. I just wasn’t feeling it.

This show, though. This one is different. I’ve got synopses for the pilot and about fifteen episodes written already. I’ve never written for television, though. It’s hard! It’s very hard. You have 22 minutes to tell each story. Now, I don’t subscribe to the “x jokes per page” nonsense. I want to tell the story as I see fit. If it doesn’t mesh with the formula they want, well, they should look at their ratings and see if maybe they want to reconsider that formula. And if they still want it reformatted to fit that structure, well, they can pay someone else to do it.

As long as I get kept in the loop!

My eyes are burning.

I think it’s a side effect of not sleeping.

This new schedule is really killing me. I’ve been up since around 10pm yesterday. The lack of sleep is affecting my mood. I wanted to sleep all day, but that will just continue the vicious cycle. I really need to just tough it out and crash at around 8 or 9, so that I can get up right before work, and actually be up all day without feeling like I want to just die.

Because, right now, yeah. Want to die, and such.

I need to go find some Visine.

Dear Belly-Scratch Guy,

Hi. My name is Marc. You might better remember me as “the guy in the striped shirt in front of you in line at Carl’s Jr. who had the horrified look on his face.”

Yeah, that was me.

I’d like to talk to you about that horrified look I had. That was a funny face I was making, huh? Yeah, I’m sure you thought so. I didn’t think so. See, that’s the face I make when I see someone lift their shirt up over their stomach, so they can give it a good scratch.

Look, man. I know that sometimes, you just gotta scratch your stomach. I’m with you. I get it. But listen. This isn’t your bathroom. We’re not at your house. I’m not your annoyed-yet-understanding lover. We’re in line at Carl’s Jr. And I’m about to eat my lunch.

I don’t want to see you dragging your fingernails over your hairy, sweaty stomach while I’m waiting in line for my fucking cheeseburger.

The next time your disgusting, bloated gut decides to poke out from under your filthy, stained polo shirt, and I’m anywhere in the vicinity, you should probably watch out. Because I may uncontrollably vomit all over you.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Sincerely,

Marc

Hi, Mr. Lawrence. You don’t know me, but I’m a huge fan of your work.

More specifically, I’m a huge fan of Scrubs.

You see, for me, television has always been rather useless. The idiotic, repetitive story lines. The canned laughter. The dumbing-down of all material to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Last month, I discovered Scrubs on DVD.

The DVD purchase was a whim. I was driving around Fort Lauderdale, looking for a hand wash shop to detail my car. I found one. It was packed, completely jam packed, with cars. I decided that I didn’t want to wait. I wandered into the Best Buy next door, hoping that my trip would not be a complete waste. And there sat Scrubs, season one, on DVD.

I figured, what the hell? And the purchase was made.

Sitcoms, to me, are terrible. I don’t know what would possess me to buy an entire season of one on DVD, especially one I’ve never seen before. With great trepidation, I popped disc one into the DVD player.

A week later, I’d seen every episode. And I needed more.

Back to Best Buy I went, and picked up season two. That lasted less than a week. Since then, I’ve snatched up every “quasi-legal” episode of seasons three, four and five that I can find, hoping to get caught up in time to start watching it on NBC when the Olympics are over.

That brings me to the purpose of this appeal.

I would love to work on Scrubs.

Paid or unpaid, useful or merely tolerated, no matter what, I’d love to be able to be a part of the creative team that brings this show together. Now, I’m not sure that Scrubs is still in production, or if it has been renewed for another season. But if production is still active, I beg you to consider the benefit of having a young upstart writer like myself, offering to work in any capacity you see fit for little or no pay. Because, quite frankly, there are few, if any, shows that I’d even consider watching, let alone working for. With any sort of role in the production of this show, I would know that I am contributing to one of the finest examples of what a sitcom should be. And I would be proud.

Think about it.

A debate rages on in this country about the way we receive our cable channels.

On one side of this debate, we have the current system. You pay for your cable channels in a package, and you get them all, whether you want them or not. Sometimes, you get new channels. Sometimes, you might lose a channel or two.

On the other side, we have a proposal known as “a la carté pricing.” Those of us familiar with that term will know what this means already. In essence, it means that you pick exactly which cable channels you want to receive.

At first glance, the choice may seem obvious. But let’s not get hasty.

This is a very tricky issue for a number of reasons. First and foremost is the revenue stream of the cable companies. What if everybody decides to drop everything except Discovery? That’s a lot of lost revenue.

We can’t go crying about the earning potential of major corporations, though. Well, admittedly, this next issue is related to revenue as well, but it also relates to us as viewers. That is, discovering new programming on cable. You may not know about a channel, or you may not know that it has shows you may want to watch. A channel may undergo a revamp in an effort to lure people back, or it may reimagine itself under new management (see The Nashville Network, which became The National Network, which became The Only Network For Men, which became Spike TV.) A network that most people would never think twice about may suddenly launch a break-out hit (see Bravo and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.)

There is also the issue of launching a new cable network. This ties into the previous paragraph.

Finally, there are technological hurdles. Without going into detail on how cable works, suffice it to say, there is a reason why channels are offered in blocks the way they are. For this reason, analog cable, the kind that goes straight from the wall into the back of your television, will never go “a la carté”. Digital cable, however, is more than capable of operating in this fashion.

This debate will most likely drag on for several more years, with proponents of either side becoming more and more vocal. As viewers, unfortunately, there is not much for us to do to influence either side, short of voicing our opinions to the FCC. Eventually, the FCC will decide whether or not to pass legislation mandating “a la carté” pricing for cable customers.

Until then, try to keep up on which channels you like. There may be a quiz.

The U.S. trade deficit has once again reached a record high.

To make a long story short, U.S. economists are claiming that this is a result of a rapidly growing and healthy domestic economy.

This is true. And I’m sure to most Americans, when they hear that we have a “rapidly growing and healthy economy”, they think that is a good thing.

While I’m no economics major, I tend to disagree.

It’s my opinion that our economy is being artificially propped up on credit. Not just in a national sense, but down to the individual level as well. The typical American family is a microcosm of our federal economic policy. Spending well beyond their means, purchasing things on credit, and barely making enough to pay the minimum due on their loans each month. Bankruptcies are skyrocketing. People are buried in debt.

So, they tell us that consumer spending is at a high. I believe that. Consumer spending may indeed be at a high. But is it sustainable? Where are Americans getting the money, when the trade deficit is so high? On one side, you have the largest amount of products ever being imported into the United States. On the other, you have so many more imports than exports. If we aren’t exporting anything, where are we getting our money?

We’re borrowing it.

But how can we ever pay it back, when our real income in this global economy is dwindling? We can only put in what we take back out. We can’t just invent money.

Or can we?

Individuals borrow from banks. The United States Government also borrows from banks. If an individual borrows so much from a bank that they can no longer sustain their repayments, their credit score falls, and banks are more hesitant to loan them money. It works the same way for countries.

Of course, nobody in their right mind has the balls to stop loaning us money as a country. Not right now. We’re too large in the world market right now. They invent money in a computer, and loan it to us. We in turn pump it back into the economy of rapidly developing nations like China.

Eventually, their domestic markets will be able to sustain their industry.

What will they need with us then?