It’s Donation Season Again, Guys!

June 12th, 2006

Guidelines for Obtaining Donations

To all Associates and Supervisors:

As you are probably aware, this summer we will once again be conducting our charity fundraising drive, with all proceeds benefitting the Children’s Hospital. This is a cause that is very important to our company, and not only as a tax write-off — it is also an important public service.

Every associate will be expected to paricipate in the sale of $1 “Shining Stars”, a small gold star that the customer can write his or her name on. We will be posting these stars throughout the store as we receive them. (A customer wishing to fill out a star for each member of his or her family individually will need to purchase an additional $1 star per person. They also have the option of putting their entire family on one star.)

A target goal of 25 stars per associate on register, per day, will be mandatory. If you fail to meet this goal, you will receive a formal Write-Up. Continue non-compliance and/or non-participation may result in your termination, so please remember to sell, sell, sell!

Here are some tips for maximizing your collected donations:

1) Ring the customers merchandise up as normal.

2) After you have scanned the last item, but before you press the “Total” button, indicate to the display on the front of your register and ask the customer, “Would you be interested in making a one dollar donation to our charity fundraising drive, benefitting the Children’s Hospital?” If the customer requests their current total, inform them of what the total WOULD be, if they make the donation.

3) If the customer declines, reiterate the name of the charity, and point out that it is of great benefit to the needy and/or homeless children of the city.

4) Upon further refusal, firmly inform the customer that it is merely one dollar added on to their total, and that it is not taxable. You may also mention that if they keep their receipt, they can deduct the donation from their taxes.

5) Although rare, the customer may continue to refuse to donate. Kindly indicate one or two small purchases they might be making, if possible, and let them know that they could probably do without those, if it is about money. If the customer has a weight problem, and their purchase includes any candy, snack foods or non-diet sodas, point out that they could probably do without those, and instead donate the money to the Hospital instead.

6) At this point, the customer will most likely relent and allow the donation. If they do not, instead of pressing the Total button on your register, press the TND (Total ‘No Donation’) button. This will allow the register to insert the donation as an inflated CRV (California Refund Value) tax, scattered across multiple items, so that the customer does not become suspicious.

Please note: If the customer attempts to leave the store at any point, please inform Security immediately.

Thanks everybody, and let’s make this a year to remember! The kids are counting on us!

The Management

The HAMMER!

June 3rd, 2006

I’m going to be handling all of the “online presence” for a new feature film, The Hammer, starring Adam Carolla and Heather Juergensen. Soon, veeeerry soon, you’ll be able to find some teasers up at TheHammerMovie.com, as well as a portal at http://www.AdamCarolla.net.

I’ll also be shooting a little behind-the-scenes and trailer type stuff on the set, and hopefully doing a little “inside scoop” blogging. So stay tuned for that!

On not being a good writer

May 25th, 2006

I’m not a good writer.

At least, that’s what I’ve been told. Just now.

Apparently, my writing lacks voice. It lacks style. It lacks a certain “something.” I know it’s not really in good taste to criticize a criticism, but these little digs really get to me sometimes. It doesn’t matter who is saying it, or how they say it; it’s just that once in a while, I take a comment very personally.

I feel like my writing definitely has a “voice.” The person who made this particular criticism disagreed, and said I should write “like I talk”, because that’s how you “make it good.” Although I don’t know what that means, exactly, every idea deserves a fair shake. I should really give it a shot.

Let’s do it.

Ahem.

Sup? Man I was online earlier and this girl gets online, right? I barely even know her, I met her at work, and she’s like, she saw this post I made on a forum where I posted one of my blog entries, and she replied to it with some shit like, she said OH MY GOD THAT IS SO SHITTY or something, and so I messaged her like, what? Why is it so shitty? It’s not shitty! And she is like, oh god, she’s like I CAN WRITE ABOUT CAKE BATTER BETTER THAN YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING. So I got pissed right? I took it personally, so I like, I went and found some other thing I had written, just some fluff about being in line at Carl’s Jr., and I sent her that, and she has the NERVE to be like, you really need to pick better topics to write about, you suck so bad. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?! WHO SAYS THAT TO PEOPLE?!? I GOT SO PISSED OFF! I ended up like, blocking her or some shit, seriously I was so pissed off like, argh. Damnit.

Oh my god, she’s right.

On finding the right one

April 30th, 2006

I’d just like to say that I’m irked about the hours of the Kinko’s near my house.

I have to run off a bunch of stuff before 9am today. I got off of work at 12am. In my head, I thought this would be okay. See, I was always under the impression that Kinko’s was a 24-hours, 7-days thing. And I knew of a few near here. So, on a whim, I looked it up on their website to be sure.

There’s one on Sunset Blvd., which is very close to my house. That’s the one I was thinking of. It’s closed on Sunday. Okay. That one’s out. There’s another one on Vine, I think to myself.

That one doesn’t open until 7am.

What?!

Now, I’ve had my wars with Kinko’s before, but I’ve never managed to find one that was closed. I continue looking. The next nearest one is in Glendale, a city that is geographically close, right above me, but separated from me by mountains and a state park. So I’ve got to go around the mountains, and around the park, by getting on I-5.

Please don’t let that one be the one that’s open 24 hours.

Oh, of course it is. Of course. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Fuck you, Kinko. Fuck you and your stupid damn copy place.

Quotey McQuoterson for April 27, 2006

April 27th, 2006

“A flawed man is one who will not be humbled by what he does not know.” – Unknown

Nugget of Wisdom for April 18th, 2006

April 18th, 2006

When you see a cotton dress shirt tagged “wrinkle free”, they mean that it was wrinkle-free at time of purchase.

Network Employee Vents Frustrations Through Closed Captioning Feed

April 17th, 2006

BOULDER, CO – An engineer has been terminated from his job at KMGH, the local NBC affiliate station, after it was discovered that he had been venting his personal frustrations through the network’s closed captioning feed.


The errant captioning affected mostly late night/early morning shows.

KMGH, like many local networks, only had one closed captioning engineer on duty at any given time, and there was no reason to suspect a problem. However, after numerous complaints from deaf or hard-of-hearing viewers began to pour into the station, the station manager decided to tune in from home, in order to verify the claims. What he found led him to take action.

The engineer responsible, who has asked to remain anonymous pending trial, did not appear to acknowledge that what he had been doing was wrong. “The [station] will let them garnish my [wages] to pay for her [...] lyposuction, but will they let me talk about it? Will they give me a forum to voice my opinions on this? No!”

Although is not known exactly how long the problem has persisted, KMGH has set up a special hotline for dealing with any additional viewer complaints. At the time of this writing, however, they are not accepting TDD calls.

This Only Applies to MySpace Users

April 17th, 2006

Someone on my friends list posted this bulletin. It actually made me smile, so I thought I’d post it here, too. This person is obviously after my own heart.


—————– Bulletin Message —————–
From: Ra’hel
Date: Apr 17, 2006 10:13 PM

1. Friend Test?….You got to be kidding me. Who the fuck are you to test me? Go ahead and DELETE me, I have no desire or need to prove anything to any one who would “TEST” a friend. The people on your friend list, didn’t sneak on there, YOU approved them. I will never repost your stupid “friend test,” so spare me the dramatics, delete me now.

2. God and Jesus…. dont need bulletins passed along MySpace. People who do not repost religous bulletins are not denying God, Jesus (or Buddha or Muhammed or Flying Spaghetti Monster). They just choose not to play your game. If you want to worship God go to church, your myspace friends could care less about your religion.

3. Tom is never going to charge for MySpace. Why? Because it is advertiser supported. The more people who are on here, the more money MySpace (and its parent company) makes. If there is ever going to be a change in MySpace it will not be announced through bulletins. Why would any company trust its future to idiots, who “test” their friends, and think that the phone rings because they’ve re-posted a bulletin. And there is NO way to attach a fucking tracking device to a godamn bulletin!!! Come on people!!!

4. Charities will never see a penny because you have reposted a chain mail. Get real. There are a lot of much less complicated ways to raise money than that. Think about it. Charites DON’T use chain mail or bulletins to raise funds. EVER!

5. Don’t act offended if someone asks to be your friend. If you don’t want friends you don’t know in real time, then change your fucking settings, stop acting like a fucking drama queen.

6. Not everyone will like you. That’s life. Grow up. Even Hitler had pals, you’ll find someone too! If someone denies your ‘add friend request’, move on. Don’t pester the shit out of someone to be your friend, it’s not going to work.

7. Don’t act offended if not every message you send receives a reply. People have lives beyond MySpace, and hold out the possibility that they may not want to talk to you right this moment. Your mother lied to you, you aren’t the most special person in the world.

8. “Bored?” – Keep it to yourself. Why would anyone want to chat to someone who is bored? You’re bored because you aren’t bright enough to entertain your mind, stop expecting strangers to entertain you. Generally ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE fuckin BORING get BORED!!!!!

9. Don’t question the number of friends someone has. It’s none of your fucking business. What is it to you if Sally or Johnny has 10,000 friends. It makes them happy. And their 10,000 friends don’t seem to mind. Do you really chat with all of your 40 friends everyday?

10. Your phone is going to ring regardless of what you do with a bulletin. Reposting a bulletin along won’t make it ring. It will prove to your friends that you are an idiot.

11. Do you really want a BF or GF that is conjured up by you reposting a bulletin on MySpace? Let’s face it, if you can’t attract and keep a BF/GF, reposting a bulletin isn’t going to change the fact that you are loser. In fact it sends a clear indication to any potential mate, that you are not only a loser, but that you are also annoying and stupid. Dont advertise the fact!

12. Do you want any one to read your profile page? Then take a look at it again. Your attempts at being creative, are just a huge technicolour mess with a bad song in the background. Learn how to do it right before you try to get artsy! What’s the point if it can’t be read?

13. Also, people don’t give a fuck if you changed your page and your pics enough to run to your fucking page to post comments… people will post when they see it, or when they feel like it. You don’t need to send out another worthless bulletin.

14. Don’t post bulletins asking if others will have sex with you/date you/like you or any of that bullshit. If you really depend on MySpace to see if someone will fuck you, or to see if someone has a crush on you, you will die a lonely death. It is fucking stupid, and you are pitiful if you are asking strangers or even your real friends if they will have sex with you or date you because of a bulletin. See ..11.

Repost this Damn it.

If you do…..

I won’t like you any more or less.

I won’t delete you, but then again I might delete you.

Your phone will ring, eventually, this bulletin had no influence on it.

The Clown in your bedroom is your mate.

If a lesbian shows up at your bedside tonight and kills you, well that just means your life is really sucky and now it’s over. This bulletin will play no part in your horrible demise

My Ego Handily Supported This Role

April 11th, 2006

I voiced “God” in the new skit over at Boredom Induced.

So, you should check that out. If you like crappy voice acting.

Hi-ya!

100 Days in Hollywood, Days 1-10

April 9th, 2006

Day 1: I’m writing this at a gas station in New Mexico! I can’t believe it! I’m almost to HOLLYWOOD! I’ve got everything I own packed in this car! This is so exciting, and scary! This time tomorrow, I’ll be in the BIG CITY!

Day 2: WOW! HOLLYWOOD! I’m HERE! Seeing Los Angeles for the first time was amazing. Coming up over the hill on Interstate 10, you see all the city lights and the skyline, and it’s just breathtaking. I got on the “101″ — gosh, I’m already using the lingo — and took it right to Sunset Boulevard! Woohoo! When everything opens, I’m going to start looking for an apartment.

Day 3: The apartment search is a bit rough so far. Everything here is so expensive! I might not be able to live in Hollywood. I’ve looked in a few places around the area. I drove down the interstate a ways to another part of town to look at an apartment in “South Los Angeles”. It seems like a nice neighborhood. I am going to go back tonight to take some pictures with my digital camera.

Day 4: I got mugged last night when I went to take pictures. They stole my wallet, my digital camera and all the money in my pockets. It was really scary; I’ve never been mugged or anything like that before. Luckily I didn’t have all my cash in my wallet, but they got my credit cards and my driver’s license. I suppose I need to get a new one of those anyway.

Day 5: I got an early start today. The clerk at the hotel gave me directions to the DMV. The line was so long! I waited in it for over three and a half hours, and when I got to the front, they asked me if I had an appointment. I told them no, and they said I had to have one. Apparently, everybody else in the line had one. It was a little difficult to understand the person behind the counter, because they didn’t really speak English, but I think I have one at 3pm, the day after tomorrow. I will have to remember that.

Day 6: I went back to South Los Angeles to talk to them about that apartment. They told me they needed two forms of identification to apply. I explained my situation, and reminded them that I had just been in there a couple days ago. They claimed to not remember who I was, and told me again that I would need two forms of ID. I filled out the application and gave them that plus my social security card, which I had been keeping in my briefcase. I hope the DMV can come through with that photo ID tomorrow.

Day 7: On my way out the door this morning, the hotel clerk said that my credit card is maxed out, and I need to give him another one to charge any more days. I explained to him that my wallet was stolen, and that the thieves must be using my card. He said no problem; he will contact the credit card company for me. What a nice guy! The line at the DMV was so long, though. It took almost four hours this time to get to the front. Once I got up there, I filled out all the paperwork and handed it over. They told me they need to see my passport or a social security card to give me the license! I explained my situation and told them I didn’t have a passport. I will need to come back Monday with my social security card to finish the process and get the driver’s license. I guess I’ll need to drive back down to South L.A. to get it.

Day 8: I got thrown out of my hotel room this morning. They said my card was no good. I told them that the clerk had said he was going to call the credit card company and take care of things, but they didn’t believe me! I didn’t see the guy who had told me that, and I couldn’t remember his name. I had to pack everything back into my car and leave, though. There was no reasoning with them. I’m definitely going to be filing a complaint on their website when I get moved into that new apartment, which I hope will be soon. I went to the management office down in South LA to get my social security card back, but they are not open on Saturdays or Sundays. I guess I will have to wait until Monday morning.

Day 9: Sleeping in the car was rough. I parked it on Highland Ave., right by the intersection of Hollywood Blvd. A lot of strange people have been knocking on my window, staring in, or just loitering around my car. A homeless man pounded on the window and would not stop until I rolled it down. He asked me if I had any change. When I told him no, he began shouting obscenities at me until I finally had to move the car half a block down. I am going to be at the apartment place first thing tomorrow morning.

Day 10: Today has been an absolute nightmare. I woke up at 6am and went over to McDonalds to use the bathroom before I headed into town. They charge 25 cents just to get into the stupid thing! How lame is that? I ended up buying a McMuffin just to get a free token for the bathroom, which I guess wasn’t free, cause I spent $2 on the McMuffin. At least that covered breakfast. The real nightmare began when I got to the apartment place. They claim to not even know who I am! I threw a small fit; I really didn’t mean to lose my temper the way I did. I demanded to see the manager, because I need that social security card. Things got heated and they had their security people escort me out. I don’t know what to do now.